Literary Lapses Page 4

  At this moment there was an agonized cry from the mother.

  "Oh, Henry, quick! Baby has snatched the pill!" It wastoo true. Dear little Gustavus Adolphus, the golden-hairedbaby boy, had grabbed the whole Christmas dinner off thepoker chip and bolted it. Three hundred and fifty poundsof concentrated nourishment passed down the oesophagusof the unthinking child.

  "Clap him on the back!" cried the distracted mother."Give him water!"

  The idea was fatal. The water striking the pill causedit to expand. There was a dull rumbling sound and then,with an awful bang, Gustavus Adolphus exploded intofragments!

  And when they gathered the little corpse together, thebaby lips were parted in a lingering smile that couldonly be worn by a child who had eaten thirteen Christmasdinners.

  A New Pathology

  It has long been vaguely understood that the conditionof a man's clothes has a certain effect upon the healthof both body and mind. The well-known proverb, "Clothesmake the man" has its origin in a general recognition ofthe powerful influence of the habiliments in their reactionupon the wearer. The same truth may be observed in thefacts of everyday life. On the one hand we remark thebold carriage and mental vigour of a man attired in anew suit of clothes; on the other hand we note themelancholy features of him who is conscious of a posteriorpatch, or the haunted face of one suffering from internalloss of buttons. But while common observation thus givesus a certain familiarity with a few leading facts regardingthe ailments and influence of clothes, no attempt has asyet been made to reduce our knowledge to a systematicform. At the same time the writer feels that a valuableaddition might be made to the science of medicine in thisdirection. The numerous diseases which are caused by thisfatal influence should receive a scientific analysis,and their treatment be included among the principles ofthe healing art. The diseases of the clothes may roughlybe divided into medical cases and surgical cases, whilethese again fall into classes according to the particulargarment through which the sufferer is attacked.

  MEDICAL CASES

  Probably no article of apparel is so liable to a diseasedcondition as the trousers. It may be well, therefore, totreat first those maladies to which they are subject.

  I. Contractio Pantalunae, or Shortening of the Legs ofthe Trousers, an extremely painful malady most frequentlyfound in the growing youth. The first symptom is theappearance of a yawning space (lacuna) above the boots,accompanied by an acute sense of humiliation and a morbidanticipation of mockery. The application of treacle tothe boots, although commonly recommended, may rightly becondemned as too drastic a remedy. The use of bootsreaching to the knee, to be removed only at night, willafford immediate relief. In connection with Contractiois often found--

  II. Inflatio Genu, or Bagging of the Knees of the Trousers,a disease whose symptoms are similar to those above. Thepatient shows an aversion to the standing posture, and,in acute cases, if the patient be compelled to stand,the head is bent and the eye fixed with painful rigidityupon the projecting blade formed at the knee of thetrousers.

  In both of the above diseases anything that can be doneto free the mind of the patient from a morbid sense ofhis infirmity will do much to improve the general toneof the system.

  III. Oases, or Patches, are liable to break out anywhereon the trousers, and range in degree of gravity fromthose of a trifling nature to those of a fatal character.The most distressing cases are those where the patchassumes a different colour from that of the trousers(dissimilitas coloris). In this instance the mind of thepatient is found to be in a sadly aberrated condition.A speedy improvement may, however, be effected by cheerfulsociety, books, flowers, and, above all, by a completechange.

  IV. The overcoat is attacked by no serious disorders,except--

  Phosphorescentia, or Glistening, a malady which indeedmay often be observed to affect the whole system. It iscaused by decay of tissue from old age and is generallyaggravated by repeated brushing. A peculiar feature ofthe complaint is the lack of veracity on the part of thepatient in reference to the cause of his uneasiness.Another invariable symptom is his aversion to outdoorexercise; under various pretexts, which it is the dutyof his medical adviser firmly to combat, he will avoideven a gentle walk in the streets.

  V. Of the waistcoat science recognizes but one disease--

  Porriggia, an affliction caused by repeated spilling ofporridge. It is generally harmless, chiefly owing to themental indifference of the patient. It can be successfullytreated by repeated fomentations of benzine.

  VI. Mortificatio Tilis, or Greenness of the Hat, is adisease often found in connection with Phosphorescentia(mentioned above), and characterized by the same aversionto outdoor life.

  VII. Sterilitas, or Loss of Fur, is another disease ofthe hat, especially prevalent in winter. It is notaccurately known whether this is caused by a falling outof the fur or by a cessation of growth. In all diseasesof the hat the mind of the patient is greatly depressedand his countenance stamped with the deepest gloom. Heis particularly sensitive in regard to questions as tothe previous history of the hat.

  Want of space precludes the mention of minor diseases,such as--

  VIII. Odditus Soccorum, or oddness of the socks, a thingin itself trifling, but of an alarming nature if met incombination with Contractio Pantalunae. Cases are foundwhere the patient, possibly on the public platform or ata social gathering, is seized with a consciousness ofthe malady so suddenly as to render medical assistancefutile.

  SURGICAL CASES

  It is impossible to mention more than a few of the mosttypical cases of diseases of this sort.

  I. Explosio, or Loss of Buttons, is the commonest maladydemanding surgical treatment. It consists of a successionof minor fractures, possibly internal, which at firstexcite no alarm. A vague sense of uneasiness is presentlyfelt, which often leads the patient to seek relief inthe string habit--a habit which, if unduly indulged in,may assume the proportions of a ruling passion. The useof sealing-wax, while admirable as a temporary remedyfor Explosio, should never be allowed to gain a permanenthold upon the system. There is no doubt that a persistentindulgence in the string habit, or the constant use ofsealing-wax, will result in--

  II. Fractura Suspendorum, or Snapping of the Braces,which amounts to a general collapse of the system. Thepatient is usually seized with a severe attack of explosio,followed by a sudden sinking feeling and sense of loss.A sound constitution may rally from the shock, but asystem undermined by the string habit invariably succumbs.

  III. Sectura Pantalunae, or Ripping of the Trousers, isgenerally caused by sitting upon warm beeswax or leaningagainst a hook. In the case of the very young it is notunfrequently accompanied by a distressing suppuration ofthe shirt. This, however, is not remarked in adults. Themalady is rather mental than bodily, the mind of thepatient being racked by a keen sense of indignity and afeeling of unworthiness. The only treatment is immediateisolation, with a careful stitching of the affected part.

  In conclusion, it may be stated that at the first symptomof disease the patient should not hesitate to put himselfin the hands of a professional tailor. In so brief acompass as the present article the discussion has ofnecessity been rather suggestive than exhaustive. Muchyet remains to be done, and the subject opens wide tothe inquiring eye. The writer will, however, feel amplysatisfied if this brief outline may help to direct theattention of medical men to what is yet an unexploredfield.

  The Poet Answered

  Dear sir:

  In answer to your repeated questions and requests whichhave appeared for some years past in the columns of therural press, I beg to submit the following solutions ofyour chief difficulties:--

  Topic I.--You frequently ask, where are the friends ofyour childhood, and urge that they shall be brought backto you. As far as I am able to learn, those of yourfriends who are not in jail are still right there in yournative village. You point out that they were wont toshare your gambols. If so, you are certainly entitled tohave theirs now.

  Topic II.--You have taken occas
ion to say:

  "Give me not silk, nor rich attire, Nor gold, nor jewels rare."

  But, my dear fellow, this is preposterous. Why, theseare the very things I had bought for you. If you won'ttake any of these, I shall have to give you factory cottonand cordwood.

  Topic III.--You also ask, "How fares my love across thesea?" Intermediate, I presume. She would hardly travelsteerage.

  Topic IV.--"Why was I born? Why should I breathe?" HereI quite agree with you. I don't think you ought to breathe.

  Topic V.--You demand that I shall show you the man whosesoul is dead and then mark him. I am awfully sorry; theman was around here all day yesterday, and if I had onlyknown I could easily have marked him so that we couldpick him out again.

  Topic VI.--I notice that you frequently say, "Oh, forthe sky of your native land." Oh, for it, by all means,if you wish. But remember that you already owe for agreat deal.

  Topic VII.--On more than one occasion you wish to beinformed, "What boots it, that you idly dream?" Nothingboots it at present--a fact, sir, which ought to affordyou the highest gratification.

  The Force of Statistics

  They were sitting on a seat of the car, immediately infront of me. I was consequently able to hear all thatthey were saying. They were evidently strangers who haddropped into a conversation. They both had the air ofmen who considered themselves profoundly interesting asminds. It was plain that each laboured under the impressionthat he was a ripe thinker.

  One had just been reading a book which lay in his lap.

  "I've been reading some very interesting statistics," hewas saying to the other thinker.

  "Ah, statistics" said the other; "wonderful things, sir,statistics; very fond of them myself."

  "I find, for instance," the first man went on, "that adrop of water is filled with little...with little...Iforget just what you call them...little--er--things,every cubic inch containing--er--containing...let mesee..."

  "Say a million," said the other thinker, encouragingly.

  "Yes, a million, or possibly a billion...but at anyrate, ever so many of them."

  "Is it possible?" said the other. "But really, you knowthere are wonderful things in the world. Now, coal...takecoal..."

  "Very, good," said his friend, "let us take coal," settlingback in his seat with the air of an intellect about tofeed itself.

  "Do you know that every ton of coal burnt in an enginewill drag a train of cars as long as...I forget theexact length, but say a train of cars of such and sucha length, and weighing, say so much...from...from...hum!for the moment the exact distance escapes me...drag itfrom..."

  "From here to the moon," suggested the other.

  "Ah, very likely; yes, from here to the moon. Wonderful,isn't it?"

  "But the most stupendous calculation of all, sir, is inregard to the distance from the earth to the sun.Positively, sir, a cannon-ball--er--fired at the sun..."

  "Fired at the sun," nodded the other, approvingly, as ifhe had often seen it done.

  "And travelling at the rate of...of..."

  "Of three cents a mile," hinted the listener.

  "No, no, you misunderstand me,--but travelling at a fearfulrate, simply fearful, sir, would take a hundred million--no,a hundred billion--in short would take a scandalously longtime in getting there--"

  At this point I could stand no more. I interrupted--"Providedit were fired from Philadelphia," I said, and passed into thesmoking-car.

  Men Who have Shaved Me

  A barber is by nature and inclination a sport. He cantell you at what exact hour the ball game of the day isto begin, can foretell its issue without losing a strokeof the razor, and can explain the points of inferiorityof all the players, as compared with better men that hehas personally seen elsewhere, with the nicety of aprofessional. He can do all this, and then stuff thecustomer's mouth with a soap-brush, and leave him whilehe goes to the other end of the shop to make a side betwith one of the other barbers on the outcome of the AutumnHandicap. In the barber-shops they knew the result ofthe Jeffries-Johnson prize-fight long before it happened.It is on information of this kind that they make theirliving. The performance of shaving is only incidental toit. Their real vocation in life is imparting information.To the barber the outside world is made up of customers,who are to be thrown into chairs, strapped, manacled,gagged with soap, and then given such necessary informationon the athletic events of the moment as will carry themthrough the business hours of the day without opendisgrace.

  As soon as the barber has properly filled up the customerwith information of this sort, he rapidly removes hiswhiskers as a sign that the man is now fit to talk to,and lets him out of the chair.

  The public has grown to understand the situation. Everyreasonable business man is willing to sit and wait halfan hour for a shave which he could give himself in threeminutes, because he knows that if he goes down townwithout understanding exactly why Chicago lost two gamesstraight he will appear an ignoramus.

  At times, of course, the barber prefers to test hiscustomer with a question or two. He gets him pinned inthe chair, with his head well back, covers the customer'sface with soap, and then planting his knee on his chestand holding his hand firmly across the customer's mouth,to prevent all utterance and to force him to swallow thesoap, he asks: "Well, what did you think of the Detroit-St.Louis game yesterday?" This is not really meant for aquestion at all. It is only equivalent to saying: "Now,you poor fool, I'll bet you don't know anything aboutthe great events of your country at all." There is agurgle in the customer's throat as if he were trying toanswer, and his eyes are seen to move sideways, but thebarber merely thrusts the soap-brush into each eye, andif any motion still persists, he breathes gin and peppermintover the face, till all sign of life is extinct. Then hetalks the game over in detail with the barber at the nextchair, each leaning across an inanimate thing extendedunder steaming towels that was once a man.

  To know all these things barbers have to be highlyeducated. It is true that some of the greatest barbersthat have ever lived have begun as uneducated, illiteratemen, and by sheer energy and indomitable industry haveforced their way to the front. But these are exceptions.To succeed nowadays it is practically necessary to be acollege graduate. As the courses at Harvard and Yale havebeen found too superficial, there are now establishedregular Barbers' Colleges, where a bright young man canlearn as much in three weeks as he would be likely toknow after three years at Harvard. The courses at thesecolleges cover such things as: (1) Physiology, includingHair and its Destruction, The Origin and Growth ofWhiskers, Soap in its Relation to Eyesight; (2) Chemistry,including lectures on Florida Water; and How to Make itout of Sardine Oil; (3) Practical Anatomy, including TheScalp and How to Lift it, The Ears and How to Removethem, and, as the Major Course for advanced students,The Veins of the Face and how to open and close them atwill by the use of alum.

  The education of the customer is, as I have said, thechief part of the barber's vocation. But it must beremembered that the incidental function of removing hiswhiskers in order to mark him as a well-informed man isalso of importance, and demands long practice and greatnatural aptitude. In the barbers' shops of modern citiesshaving has been brought to a high degree of perfection.A good barber is not content to remove the whiskers ofhis client directly and immediately. He prefers to cookhim first. He does this by immersing the head in hotwater and covering the victim's face with steaming towelsuntil he has him boiled to a nice pink. From time to timethe barber removes the towels and looks at the face tosee if it is yet boiled pink enough for his satisfaction.If it is not, he replaces the towels again and jams themdown firmly with his hand until the cooking is finished.The final result, however, amply justifies this trouble,and the well-boiled customer only needs the addition ofa few vegetables on the side to present an extremelyappetizing appearance.

  During the process of the shave, it is customary for thebarber to apply the particular kind of mental tortureknown as the third degree. This is done by terrorizingthe patient as to
the very evident and proximate lossof all his hair and whiskers, which the barber is enabledby his experience to foretell. "Your hair," he says, verysadly and sympathetically, "is all falling out. Betterlet me give you a shampoo?" "No." "Let me singe your hairto close up the follicles?" "No." "Let me plug up theends of your hair with sealing-wax, it's the only thingthat will save it for you?" "No." "Let me rub an eggon your scalp?" "No." "Let me squirt a lemon on youreyebrows?" "No."

  The barber sees that he is dealing with a man ofdetermination, and he warms to his task. He bends lowand whispers into the prostrate ear: "You've got a goodmany grey hairs coming in; better let me give you anapplication of Hairocene, only cost you half a dollar?""No." "Your face," he whispers again, with a soft,caressing voice, "is all covered with wrinkles; betterlet me rub some of this Rejuvenator into the face."

  This process is continued until one of two things happens.Either the customer is obdurate, and staggers to his feetat last and gropes his way out of the shop with theknowledge that he is a wrinkled, prematurely senile man,whose wicked life is stamped upon his face, and whoseunstopped hair-ends and failing follicles menace him withthe certainty of complete baldness within twenty-fourhours--or else, as in nearly all instances, he succumbs.In the latter case, immediately on his saying "yes" thereis a shout of exultation from the barber, a roar ofsteaming water, and within a moment two barbers havegrabbed him by the feet and thrown him under the tap,and, in spite of his struggles, are giving him theHydro-magnetic treatment. When he emerges from theirhands, he steps out of the shop looking as if he had beenvarnished.